I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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