it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
