Moan for me like Helen Keller
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize