"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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