I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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