I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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