Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
