No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My vagina just recognized that song.
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My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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