He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
