Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Randomize
