i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
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