Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
