oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize