My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
not ubering you a puppy
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
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