Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Randomize
