coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
