New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
