So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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