I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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