you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I will pee on everything he values.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
