Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
