I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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