Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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