I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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