I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
