She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
