I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
