When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
