I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
