There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
