we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
