Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
