i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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