She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Houston, we have a squirter
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
