tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
