Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon