Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
