I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
