So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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