should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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