I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
