She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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