watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
