Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
