I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
