When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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