Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
