I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
operation have a gay friend backfired
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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