i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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