If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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