Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
