I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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