i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
