I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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